self-care first?

October 23, 2023

We secretly hear it all the time: you have to take care of yourself before you "take care" of others. It makes sense, but I fell for it again.

What did you fall for?

Well, you probably know we're renovating, and you might also know I'm not doing so well (see my previous blog post). So, that calls for some good self-care, right?

But what if it's not so easy? What if you feel an overwhelming urge to help, to make a difference, to do a lot to regain control of your idea? Sound familiar?

Well... then you keep going. And... you don't really become a nicer person, I can tell you. It's so strange, because I genuinely think I'm doing the right thing by putting my shoulder to the wheel. By showing that I'm trying, by fighting hard, and by sacrificing myself. At some point in the past, this behavior was rewarded, or rather... learned. "Don't whine, just keep going" was often the motto. So that's what I did, and it's ingrained in my system, still. I always fall for it.

Different is better

Last week it dawned on me. I'm still getting used to it, but after a (very unpleasant) argument, I broke down. And suddenly I realized what I was doing: just pushing through. And it wasn't exactly making me a better or easier person (not even for myself: hello panic attacks). So I stopped. As I write this, I'm sitting in my neighbor's studio; I arranged this as self-care so I wouldn't have to be there when the workers insulate our house. I'm letting it go (okay, it's still difficult, but I'm trying) and it's starting to pay off.

Self-care after all!

Now that I think about it more, I believe it's true. "Self-care first" is simply true. It's like the trick you're taught on airplanes: always equip yourself with an oxygen mask before helping children. YOU FIRST, otherwise you can't help others.

What does it mean for me? Well, that I'll ask for help more often. Like I did now with working in the neighbor's studio (so sweet of them!). After a bit of a search, I even rented a house to retreat to during the very last, but one of the toughest, phases of the renovation.

Do I find it difficult that I can no longer help out? Absolutely! I still feel guilty about it at times. I can't quite finish the journey we started together with great enthusiasm, the way I'd envisioned. But things are much more pleasant at home now, and I'm feeling a bit better. What would you choose in my situation? Helping out or self-care?