about 'comfort food for my soul'

I feel furious, angry, and furious inside. Why? Because we're leaving for a few days tomorrow. And I have some thoughts about it. I don't think my reaction is normal; it shouldn't be happening.

And this always happens just before departure. While "normal" people look forward to a vacation, for me, going is a struggle. Letting go of the routine, the familiar. Not knowing what awaits me, the unknown, fear of the people I'll encounter (or in this case, the landlord of our cottage, for example). For the first time in my life, I'm acknowledging it by writing it down here. Normally, I push through, occasionally get into a big fight with my husband because all those feelings have to go somewhere, and I'm annoyed with myself.

Can it also be there?

No! Is the little voice screaming in my head. It has to be fun, and nice, and cozy, and, and, and... I hear myself sigh deeply as I type this. Why, if it's socially different from the norm, can't I feel what I feel? I feel tears welling up; vacations are always a struggle, and I've never been as gentle with myself as typing these words.

More fun

I notice that the "fiery, furious, angry" is retreating, replaced by sadness and fear. The emotions that really matter, those that crave space and understanding. Okay, that's different, more bearable, and better too! I suddenly think back to a conversation I had last week, about slowing down my life (and work ;-)) and choosing joy. I could, of course, make room for my fear instead of continuing with my to-do list (vacuuming, doing physiotherapy exercises, typing a newsletter). What would happen if I slowed down, gave myself space to feel everything I felt, and then left tomorrow in peace?

Because when you're there...

Then it's usually quite enjoyable. It doesn't always work out; I get homesick and anxious quickly, but the walks, cakes, and nature are things that really bring me joy! I'm still sitting here, stunned, at my keyboard; I feel so different than when I started. I'm dreading tomorrow, but that's much more bearable than walking around like a loaded bomb (with the fear of it exploding, yuck!).

So, gentleness

I feel like I've written about this often, about being gentler with ourselves. Really feeling what's there. Not suppressing it, not getting angry, and not ignoring it. But this is something that deserves to be shared, even in a practical situation like my "going on vacation," no matter how vulnerable it feels. Because yes, I have opinions about it, and I'm ashamed to say the least!

Feeling safe

That last sentence would have been a beautiful ending. But feelings change quickly. I'm noticing my anxiety decreasing and my hunger for "safe" things increasing. My own little world is my safe haven. Although I'm not bringing any art supplies this time (because yes, painting on canvas is fun, but not really "portable"), I can also find security in creating new illustrations or paintings. So you see, art can also have something comforting, both for the creator and (hopefully) for the viewer. I feel better now that I've chosen the illustrations below, a kind of "comfort food for my soul."

*Scroll down a bit to find out what it was like on holiday ;-)

My Safe Haven Gallery:

What was it like?

Great! I'm back now. We had a wonderful time, and I'm almost certain it's because I wrote this blog post that it got me talking about it, sharing my fears, and getting support. And then it all went well! Better than expected, even. And of course, here's a nice picture:

Photo at the top of this article: Merette Kuijt