Personal development with a fox as my help

I have needed years and years of therapy and have been lucky enough to receive it. And when you believe you are 'done' you really aren't because every stage of life has it's own developments. At the moment I'm in the middle of one of these developmental stages. I've been staring my old coping mechanisms down and been spending a lot of time evaluating what actually suits me and what is actually causing quite a bit of trouble for me. And lets not even mention feeling everything...

Writing my thoughts down, evaluating them, understanding my reasons why. It all helps a lot and it's very handy not to have to feel the feelings that go along with all of the thoughts you're having. And still... Feeling and really experiencing those feelings is where true growth happens. When I look back at moments like these I always come to the same conclusion. Stopping, breathing, opening the door and feeling is that best thing for me. Not running away from my feelings (out of fear because it can all feel terrifying) but standing still. Letting the fox appear from within the undergrowth.

The fox

A long time ago someone told me a story in which the fox in the woods was a metaphore. Someone was very scared of the fox. Scared to be leapt upon, bitten or even worse. But the fox wasn't going to disappear on its own and the path that that person wanted to walk on was on the other side of the woods. 

Slowly but surely, with a great deal of patience, tears, fear and courage, this person found the peace to let the fox emerge from the bushes. They got to know each other; it wasn’t pretty, it was full of raw emotions, but it wasn’t actually as bad as the person had feared beforehand. And together with the fox, they were able to take the path behind the bushes. Into the future.

I heard this story more than 10 years ago and I’ve never been able to find it. Although I have never looked for it again. And I'm sure that I've written my own interpretation by now. But it helps!

Taking action

It helps me to face things. Every time I’ve done so, it’s turned out to be awful, but less disastrous than what I was afraid of and running away from. This time was no different. I thought: ‘If I open this door, I’ll fall flat on my face’. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I’m tired, yes, and sometimes the tears flow, but somehow I actually feel a little lighter already. More like myself.

From a place of calm and confidence

Because being myself is what I want. Without survival mechanisms that dictate what I do and how I act in everyday, normal situations. Those mechanisms were necessary in the past, but now I can manage on my own. From a place of calm and confidence, not from sheer panic and a ‘the world is ending’ feeling.

Practising

So I practise. I practise noticing when survival mechanisms kick in when they aren’t needed. Anger (protection), disappearing (making yourself invisible), people-pleasing (doing everything to avoid negative things, often at your own expense) or being very negative or angry towards myself (self-hatred, an exaggerated form of self-reflection). They’re all there; sometimes they’re healthy and necessary. We all use them in life.

Maar als ze ongepast en onevenredig heftig zijn omdat ze reageren vanuit een soort emotionele flashback naar een tijd waarin dat misschien wel nodig was, hoeft dat voor mij niet meer. En toch gebeurt het. Wat ook wel logisch is, maar niet meer passend. Dus oefen ik, voel ik, en zonder dat ik het bedacht heb vind ik mezelf weer in een stukje persoonlijke ontwikkeling. Gewoon omdat het zich aandiende.

Self-care

Personal development requires you to support yourself – to look after yourself, really. To take a step back in stressful situations. To let go of some things or put them off. A bit more peace and quiet (painting, in my case), a bit more sleep, some extra fruit (I tell myself that helps, but of course it doesn’t really make any sense, haha). You can already sense it: self-care. And whether you’re in a phase of personal development or not: perhaps this moment is a nice reminder to check in with yourself and see if you’re practising enough self-care today? What might you need? How can you support yourself?

Oh and...

all those feelings and needs for self-care, safety and peace – I capture them! On paper or on canvas, with generous splashes of paint. They help me as a reminder, a beacon or a anchor. Perhaps you feel something too?