Drowning and bouncing back

Sometimes everything just gets too much all at the same time. You've probably experienced it before. A while back I had one of those weeks. I was already feeling a bit off, and then suddenly a load of stuff landed on top of that. It turned out I just couldn't handle it, and 'voilà', It felt like I was drowning. It's been a few weeks since then and I can say things are better, though it took quite some doing to get here. I'll tell you more about it in this blog.

What happened?

Heatwave after heatwave, complex PTSD stuff, an emotional gap after 3 years of renovating, and some internal struggles. A perfect recipe for a period of 'not feeling quite right'. Then the setbacks came — I'll spare you most of them, but one deserves a mention. Because of some ill-considered new European regulation, it looked like I wouldn't be able to ship abroad any more, and would lose a big chunk of my turnover. (Spoiler: I'm still shipping, and all sorts of things are happening around that legislation — petitions, EU committees and various other goings-on that will hopefully lead to a different outcome.)

The straw that broke the camel's back

And it was that last stupid legislation that was the final straw. All I could think was: 'I don't want to deal with this, I want to stop.' That was really intense, and it gave me quite a fright. Low mood, emptiness, crying, nausea and nightmares — all of it came through. And yet here you are, reading a blog from me, and my business still exists too. How? I'll get into it.

Changing nothing, and yet still making choices

I took an emergency rest — I dropped absolutely everything for a few days. I made a deal with myself that I wasn't allowed to make any big decisions while I still felt panicky. That was hard, because my 'fight and flight' responses kept coming up with all sorts of ways to make that horrible feeling go away. At the same time, I did make one other drastic decision: I would only work a fixed number of hours behind the computer, in the mornings. Normally I'd work through my to-do list, and it would take however long it took. Now I've given myself a set number of hours to do computer work, and anything that isn't finished has to be pushed to another day. That's been really helpful! I did something else too: I removed all the work app groups from my phone (I now have an actual work phone that just stays at my studio). So I no longer get triggered all day long — instead, I choose a moment each morning to catch up and see if anything needs adjusting. What a difference!

Capacity

A period like this is quite confronting too, I find. It turns out I can handle a lot less than I think I can (or want to). I can paint for hours on end, but because of extreme sensory sensitivity, computer work really is very limited. That was a bitter pill to swallow. Time for balance, then. So I've brought my 'day off' back into my week, and for now I'm going back to bed for a bit in the middle of the day too.

I forgot that I'm ill

Honestly, I sometimes just forget. I forget that there are things I can't do, that my capacity is very limited, and that I was declared fully unfit for work a long time ago, with no prospect of improvement. And yet here I am, running this business. I wouldn't want it any other way. But I could stand to remember a bit more often that I'm vulnerable, that I'm limited, and that I need to shape my business and my life around that.

Enjoying and recovering

Thanks to the steps that I've taken, I've been doing a bit better again. And another nice little thing that's come from all of this is that I've been using the 'celebrate the seasons' planner intensively again. Overview, calm, and creating space through planning helps me a lot!

I'm not quite there yet. I still need plenty of rest, space and positivity. But the joy is back. Especially with the cosy autumn season just around the corner. Will you cross your fingers with me that the fuss around the EU regulation sorts itself out a bit? Then I can really focus on recovery, enjoyment, and of course on painting and writing cosy letters for de seizoensbode in the coming months. I can't wait!