Being the boss of my yearly insecurities

I am ready to admit that after 6 years I know that this time of year makes me very insecure. It's silly but it has everything to do with how calm and quiet my social media account and webshop become this time of year. I really think it is extremely silly of myself but it is also sort of logical. So it's time to break the cycle and I'm doing so in this blog!

A personal and full feeling

By now I do understand that after all of these incredibly hectic months things slow down at the start of a new year. That's just part of how the year works. I think I'd mind much less if I was, say, a screw salesperson. But because I am truly bearing my soul every time I make something and I really share a bit of myself each time, the slower months feel very different. What happens next? I start to doubt myself. I get insecure.

From failure to something beautiful

Oof! Even writing this down on 'paper' feels like failing. Because it feels like I should't be experiencing this. "I should be able trise above this feeling, right? I shouldn't complain, right?" But the longer I think about it, the more I start to believe that what I experience is actually something beautiful. It means that I need to reflect on my feelings and do some inner work. And that often leads to inspiration for new paintings. But still, I should give myself permission to be a little less insecure during the quieter months.

Back to the seasons

You must know by now that the seasons are a massive source of inspiration for me. And I could actually fit my 'working'-year into seasons as well. This time of year could be my 'winter': a time to rest, create new things, prepare for the busiest time of year and take some time to recover from the previous season. If I can see the situation through that lens it feels a lot less personal. It's simply a fact of life. A cycle. Right now is a calmer moment in the cycle. And that feels completely different!

Disconnecting my identity

Of course I know that it's very logical that this time of year is a lot quieter than other moments in the year. It's not personal at all. I can trust on that because that's what happens every year. And yet it feels nice to consciously disconnect my identity. This quieter period in the cycle doesn't mean I'm 'not good enough (anymore)' but simply that the season is changing, people have started to go outside, algorithms work differently and visibility dials right down. Or at least something like that. I don't really want to dive too deep, haha. I run my own business on vibes only and not data driven decisions ;-)

Daily life

Maybe you actually recognize this cycle. It's not just something that I've experienced when it comes to my art. I've felt it in friendships too, to give an example. My head likes making up stories and turns useless information into 'proof' (the webshops is slowing down so I must not be good enough anymore and now my company is coming to an end). You probably know the feeling. Shall we take a moment to practice? Or a few days? To disconnect these things from our identity and instead think in cycles?

Becoming the boss of my insecuraties

We probably won't be able to become the bosses of our own insecurities overnight. But practicing will probably help! Are you going to join me? Ps. You could work through these feelings my writing in 1 of the new notebooks. You can find them here. 

Beautiful photo by: Merette Kuijt