I'm having a really tough month. Technically, things aren't working, unexpected things are very exciting... I'm spiraling from fear to anger, to action mode, and back again. And yet... if this had happened to me two years ago, I would have completely collapsed (and perhaps even stopped working out of fear). And now? I'm sitting in my yellow chair, tired, but otherwise feeling pretty good. So, time to take a closer look at what I'm doing differently this time.
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We all know it: hassle. And often, there's more to it than meets the eye. This is no exception. Last Wednesday, I'd just finished building a completely new website (after some technical issues), and by Thursday, the next hassle was already upon us. So, this month is a real hit, phew! You probably know the feeling!
It's new to me
I do write: "You probably know it," but it's quite new to me. Not the hassle, oh no, I have more than enough experience with that (not just the hassle, but the misery too). But what is new to me is staying afloat. For the first time, I seem to be able to handle it without a complete breakdown, panic attacks, relapses, and whatever else. Wow, that's new!
How so?
That makes me so curious: how is that possible? What am I doing differently? Or have I changed myself? It might be a combination of the latter two. Experience and confidence have made me less anxious. But I've also noticed that I think differently.
It's just work
Such an annoying cliché. And as a busy bee, I always found it so stupid when people shouted that out at every opportunity! I have a huge sense of responsibility, so it clashes with "it's just work." And yet...
For a while now, I've noticed that things are more likely to bother me when things go wrong. I panic less, and I'm more likely to think, "We'll figure it all out," and "in the end," it's just work. It's never worth it to be destroyed. Could this be a healthy way to cope?
Back to the now
I'm thrilled with these inner developments, but that doesn't change the fact that I still bounce back and forth during very exciting situations, like the one I'm currently experiencing. From scared, to angry, to stressed, to spending hours and hours trying to solve things. Everything comes up, and it all happens at a rapid pace. It's no wonder I'm exhausted, I realize now, haha.
What do I need?
And yet, over the past few days, I also saw myself doing the right things, giving myself what I needed:
I rested, okay, my body was telling me so strongly that I couldn't do anything else, but I also surrendered to it (and that has been different before!)
I shifted my schedule, something I find very difficult and am still learning.
I enlisted some help, so Edwin did the shopping, Charlie helped with the inbox and I already made an appointment with a lawyer (because you don't have to do it alone!).
The result? I'm already much calmer. I'm still very tired, but by shifting my schedule, I expect things to improve health-wise this week.
Is that it?
Is "giving yourself what you need" the way to deal with hassle? It sounds so selfish (according to my stern inner voice). Yet, I think being in touch with yourself in such situations is crucial. I don't succeed all the time, and certainly not immediately when something happens, but I still checked in with myself. Sometimes I was even aware that I wasn't succeeding and that I just wanted to go full throttle and solve something, instead of listening to myself. And I think that's fine. No blind panic, just full throttle every now and then, but then checking in again to see how things are going and what I need.
We'll get through this!
Everyone has these days/weeks/months of struggle. It often happens behind the scenes; in the age of social media, it seems like everyone's life is going so smoothly and they're having such a good time. But that's not how it works; everyone has struggles! And what's a struggle for one person is nothing at all for another, and vice versa. But the principle remains the same: to deal with struggles, we need to continue to take care of ourselves gently. And then we'll get through it!
Support
I do have faith that we'll get through this! But sometimes it's nice not to go it alone, to have support. This weekend, for example, I used my cozy trust cards several times, wrote things down in my journal, made a special cup of tea, and explored new painting techniques. If you're also having a day/week/month like that, or just want some support, take a look at these favorites of mine:
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