What keeps me standing when everything gets wobbly

My phone rang, my mother was in the ambulance and she wasn't doing well at all. I jumped in the car and raced halfway across the country to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. My world suddenly became very, very wobbly. In this blog, you can read about how I kept myself going in the days that followed, what I did to avoid breaking down, and how it all ended.

Resilience increases

If I had experienced this a few years earlier, I would have completely crashed. I wouldn't have been able to cope. If you're new here: I have complex PTSD and it's slowly getting a little better, but I remain vulnerable. Life and the world around me are often intense. Painting helps me a lot.

I say “completely crashed”, but I was wasn't very stable. And I don't think that's surprising. But instead of panicking, I was able to acknowledge that I found my reaction a little scary. I realised that I needed to live through it and just get on with it. That's self-care, no matter how scary it is.

More self-care

Allowing all your feelings to just “exist” can be scary, and I don't always manage it. But by taking small steps towards self-care, I can get there. I immediately told my team what was going on and that I was suffering from PTSD flashbacks. That was nice, they understood everything. But it mainly helps because it allows me to acknowledge to myself that it's there, that I'm not doing well at the moment and that I need something else. An adjustment.

Making adjustments

It's okay to do things differently for a while. If I'm not feeling well, that's a sign that I need to change something. Sometimes it's simple, like stopping what I'm doing because I'm tired. Taking a rest, in other words. But sometimes it's more complex. To find out what might help me, I often sit down on the sofa with the dogs. No distractions, just getting in touch with my body by petting the dogs, and then the answer often turns up naturally.

Three pillars

In all the years that I have been doing this, I have noticed that there are three things I need. The three pillars.

1. Resting and taking a step back. Clearing my diary (well, emptying it), rescheduling things and, if necessary, letting people know that I'm not available at the moment (acknowledging it ;-)). Taking a nap at lunchtime, reading a book or staring outside with a cup of tea.
2. Help. When I'm not feeling well, the smallest things can suddenly become huge tasks. Cooking is a notorious example in my case. So I ask my husband to cook more often.
3. Walking. It's a cliché, but it really helps me. My head is often exhausted from all the fuss, but tiring myself out physically by going for a walk sometimes helps. Sometimes it's a relaxed walk, but sometimes you'll see me walking fast to really “get things out of my system”.

Keep on moving

My mother is doing quite well now, it actually all ended up being a lot less dramatic than expect (a broken hip and concussion), but life will always keep on moving. All kinds of things happen around us, as I noticed again today when I received a few nasty messages in which I was “gaslighted” (look it up if you don't know what it is, very enlightening in some situations!).

Slowly but surely, I am starting to accept that change is inevitable. That I can rely on everything I have learned over the past few years, that it gives me resilience so that I can cope with quite a bit of change. It also means that self-care is a priority. It is important, because the world around us will continue to change. What are you doing today in terms of self-care?

(photo by Merette Kuijt)