More cosiness through structure?

Maybe I should just start at the beginning. In the previous blog post, you read that I was making a mess of things with all the busyness, and structure was nowhere to be found. Please read it again if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Writing that blog post really made it clear to me that what I really lacked was structure. In this blog post, I'll talk about my "trial" with structure, and I'll tell you whether it's paying off.

Love-hate relationship

I need structure, but I also hate it. I love predictability, and it bores me quickly. I want to be free and plan my day based on how I feel, but I also want to earn a living from my paintings. Clearly a love-hate relationship with structure, right?

As a child, I was afraid of structure, afraid that predictability would leave too much room for feeling (it was a difficult childhood), afraid of boredom (=space to feel). But I was also a child who needed structure and was afraid of absolutely everything (that went differently). And only now, a few weeks after I realized I couldn't continue like this, do I see this pattern.

Test 1,2,3

So, it's time to put it to the test. I no longer have to be afraid of feeling; I don't avoid any feelings anymore (proud of that!). So, I no longer have to be afraid of structure.

I've been working with much more structure for about three weeks now. I'm structuring things, dividing everything into projects and planning my days. I set aside an hour on Fridays to review and plan. I no longer forget appointments, and even my husband notices a difference in my household schedule and tasks. But above all: my mind is much calmer!

More cosiness

And that's not all, I notice a much bigger difference. I can let things go more easily, which creates more space to crawl into my cozy bubble and recover and rest properly. More coziness, more slow living, because I'm creating structure: YAY!

But my creativity is also getting more free rein. I'm planning it now! I find that I get a tremendous amount of satisfaction and joy from painting, but also that my head is overflowing with inspiration. It's also getting easier to paint. Before, I had so little time that everything I started had to be exactly what I wanted to create; I had to be absolutely sure. Now it's more like: okay, fun, interesting, let's give it a try!

To persevere?

Ouch, ouch, persevering. That's something I find really difficult. Because, looking back on my life, I've been through this many times. And every time I get stuck, feel overwhelmed, or have a relapse in my anxiety disorder, I let go of all structure. I lose track of things, abandon planning, and fall into a downward spiral. Maybe you recognize this? Oh yeah, this is also reflected in our house, by the way! My husband usually knows how I'm doing by the "clutter" of our house, haha.

But you learn more every time. Next time, I might recognize the downward spiral more quickly and ask for help sooner to get back on track, or motivate myself because I remember how much more structure has helped so much. Or I might reread this blog post!

Creative curiosity

For now, I'm very happy and enjoying being creative. Because I've planned that too: every Friday is my creative day. This year I want to further develop my creativity, so that's also part of my plan and something I consider important! I'm curious what this year will bring, but one thing is certain: painting is my passion.

P.S. What do you think of the first three new illustrations this year?