And I've never done that before. But I had to do something to give it closure. To come to terms with it. What exactly? I'll explain it to you in this blog post.
moreI don't work on commission, well... almost never. If I really like something, I'll do it. Or... if I'm tempted. So, I accepted a commission for a book cover. Sounds good? Sounds good to me too! I really liked the story and wanted to give it a try.
And yet it went wrong
I didn't notice it at first, but as the process progressed, a growing list of things the illustration had to meet grew. Big thing this, colors that, this, this, and that. Oh, and a tight deadline, of course. The red flag should have been the butterflies in my stomach when an AI-generated image was sent along with it, saying: "We're looking for something like this."
I've made a few books before, and so far, I've always had 100% freedom in what I create. Feedback: great, tips are welcome, of course, but generally, that's what I said beforehand: I need freedom. And yet, I unconsciously squirmed my way into all sorts of channels to create something that met all the lists. Result: it didn't turn out well (or so I thought, opinions differ), it wasn't me, and I wasn't happy with it.
I went along with it
After feedback from the publisher, I realized where I was going wrong. I was adapting too much, not feeling free, and desperately trying to do what was expected of me. I saw it as a learning process and offered to create something completely new, truly from my own perspective. I was happy, I found (and still find) it beautiful, and I was certain this sense of freedom would be noticed and would resonate.
The bomb
Unfortunately, it wasn't what they were looking for. They asked if I could create a third illustration within two days (just to give you an idea, about 8 hours of work per illustration, and for someone who can only work 4 hours a day...). Then I reconnected with my own feelings, the values I stand for. I want to create what I love, what's good for me, enjoy what I do. I want to choose my health, coziness, and comfort. But ouch... this really hurt! Uncertainty, sadness, anger, more uncertainty, sadness, and anger. I lay awake all night, imagining all sorts of things (I'd be terrible, and the Netherlands would know because I stopped this assignment).
It couldn't go on
I decided to quit on my own. I realized I'd lost all my enjoyment (which would never benefit the work) and I didn't have any confidence that a third draft would be accepted. I hadn't signed a contract, so that offered advantages and disadvantages. Advantage: I was free to quit. Disadvantage: I won't be paid for all 18 hours I spent on this project.
Fire!
And then I had to process it. The frustration, the uncertainty, the frustration with myself (why did I let myself be tempted). I cleared my desk, filed all the files on the computer away, tucked away the files on the iPad as well, archived the emails, and... ritually burned the illustrations. Never done that before (bad idea, too!), but this time it was necessary. Closure, watching my insecurity go up in flames.
And now?
Is it over? No, of course not! I think I'll still have it in the back of my mind for a while. But I did do some things that were very helpful:
-I felt really bad for a while (because hiding it away is counterproductive)
-Be kind to myself today
Lovingly forced myself to tackle new projects. Christmas card making is just around the corner, and it felt good to immerse myself in ideas and sketches.
I kept repeating to myself: remember my core values. "I want to create what I feel like, and if people happen to like it, that's a bonus." I want to live a calm and relaxed life, be okay with myself and enjoy life. Essentially, I went back to basics, deep within myself.
-Decided not to be tempted to work on commission anymore (which also means my last commissioned book will be published in September, which is a bitter pill to swallow).
-Walking, yin yoga, and I drew a card from my deck
-I wrote this blog (helps a lot)
You are my hero
Yes, you read that right! YOU, you're the star here. Because of your support, your orders, your sharing on social media, and your spreading the word to friends, I don't HAVE to accept any orders and I can choose for myself. I can make what I like, what makes me happy, and whenever I want. So you are my hero, and I'm grateful for that. I also realize what a luxury it is (although it's not always easy, of course; running an online store definitely has its stresses). It's a choice, and I choose you! Thank you for being here!
PS. The reason I'm not sharing the illustrations in question is because it's about the feelings, the process, and the story, not about an opinion on my work... or anything like that. Well... you get the idea.
P.S. If you'd like to give me some extra support, here's my selection today that helps me!
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