I burned my illustrations...

And I've never done that before. But I had to do something to give it closure. To give it a place. What exactly? I'll explain that to you in this blog.

I don't work on commission, well. almost never then. If I really like something I sometimes want to do it. Or... if I'm tempted. So I had accepted a commission, for a book cover. Sound fun? So I thought! I liked the story a lot and wanted to give it a shot.

And yet it went wrong

I didn't notice it at first, but as the process progressed, a longer and longer list of things the illustration had to comply with emerged. Big thing this, colours this, this has to go with it, this and that. Oh and a tight deadline, of course. The 'red flag' should have been that I got nasty jitters in my underbelly when an AI generated image was sent along with: this is what we are looking for.

Now I have made some books before and so far I have always been 100% free in what I make. Feedback: fine, tips are welcome of course, but generally that's also what I say beforehand: I need freedom. And yet I unconsciously wormed my way into all kinds of jobs to make what matched all the lists. Result: it didn't turn out pretty (I thought so myself, opinions are divided), not me, I wasn't happy with it.

I went along with it

After feedback from the publisher, I saw where I was going wrong. Too much adjustment, not feeling free, trying frenetically to make what was required of me. I saw it as a learning process and offered to make something totally new really from within myself. I was happy, found (and still find) it beautiful and I was sure that this free feeling would be noticed and would be right.

The bomb

unfortunately, it was not what they were looking for. They asked me if I wanted to make a third illustration within 2 days (just for reference, about 8 hours of work per illustration and for someone who can only work 4 hours a day....). Then I came back to my own feelings, the values I stand for. I want to create what I like, what is good for me, have fun in what I do. I want to choose my health, cosiness, slow living. But ouch... this did hurt really bad! Insecurity, sadness, anger, more insecurity, sadness and anger. Lying awake for a night, imagining all sorts of things (I would be a really bad person and the entire country would know because I stopped this assignment).

It could not continue

I decided to stop the project myself. I realised that the fun was gone (which could never benefit the work) and I did not have the confidence that a third version would be accepted. I had not signed a contract, so that offered advantages and disadvantages. Advantage: I was free to quit. Disadvantage: all the total 18 hours spent on this project I don't get paid.

Fire!

And then I had to give it a place, process it. The frustration, uncertainty, balking at myself (why did I let myself be tempted). I tidied up my desk, archived all the files on the computer far away, put away the files on the Ipad as well, archived the emails and... ritually burnt the illustrations. Never done it before (bad idea too generally) but it was necessary this time. Finding closure, seeing my uncertainty go up in flames.

And now?

Is it over? No, of course not! I will still carry it in the back of my mind for a while I think. But I have done some things that are very helpful:

-Feeling consciously bad for a while (because hiding away is counterproductive)

-Being gentle with myself today

-I gently forced myself to get started on new projects. Making Christmas cards is just around the corner and it did me good to immerse myself in ideas and sketches. Hide in my own cosy world.

-Keep repeating to myself: remember your core values. 'I want to make what I feel like, if people happen to like it, that's a bonus'. I want to live calm and relaxed, I want to be okay with myself and enjoy myself. Basically, I went back to my basis, deep inside myself.

-Decided not to be tempted by commissioned work anymore (which immediately means my last commissioned book is coming out in September, a gulp moment though)

-Hiking, yin yoga and picking a card from my inspiration card set.

-I wrote this blog (it really helps)

You are my hero!

Yes, you read it right! YOU, you are the main player here. Because of your support, your orders, your sharing on social media and your telling friends about my work, I don't HAVE to take orders and I can choose for myself. I can make what I like, what makes me happy and whenever I want. So you are my hero and for that I am grateful. I also realise enormously what a luxury it is (though even this is not always easy, running an online shop has stress things too for sure). It's a choice and I choose you! Thank you for being here!

ps. The reason I don't share the illustrations in question is because it's about the feelings, the process and the story and not an opinion about my work.... Or something like that. Well... you get the point.

pps. In case you immediately feel like giving me extra support: here's my selection from today that helps me out!