I feel blazing, furious, angry inside. Why? Because we are going away for a few days tomorrow. And I feel something about that. I don't think my reaction is normal, it shouldn't be there.
And this always happens only just before departure. Where 'normal' people feel like going on holiday, for me it is a struggle to go. Letting go of the rhythm, the familiar. Not knowing what to expect, the unknown, afraid of the people I am going to encounter (or in this case, the landlord of our cottage for example). For the first time in my life, I acknowledge it by writing it down here. Normally, I push on, get into a big fight with my husband every now and then because all these feelings have to go somewhere anyway, and I'm balking at myself.
No! Is the little voice screaming in my head. It should be fun, and nice and cozy and, and, and.... I hear myself let out a deep sigh as I type this. Why, if it is socially deviant from the norm, am I not allowed to feel what I feel? I feel tears welling up, holidays are always a struggle and as mild as typing these words, I have never been to myself.
I find that the 'blazing, furious, angry' retreats and sadness and fear take its place. The emotions that actually matter, that want space and understanding. Okay, that's different, more bearable, nicer too! I suddenly think back to a conversation I had last week, about living (and working ;-)) more quietly and choosing pleasure. Of course, I could make space for my anxiety instead of continuing with my to-do list (vacuuming, doing physio exercises, typing a newsletter). What would happen if I slow down, give myself space to feel everything I am feeling and then still leave in peace tomorrow?
Then it's usually fun. It doesn't always work out, I get homesick and anxious easily, but the walks, cakes and nature are things that make me really happy! Stunned, I am still sitting here behind my keyboard, feeling SO different from when I started. I feel the fear of tomorrow, but that is much more bearable than walking around like a loaded bomb (with the fear of the bomb exploding, ieuw!).
I feel like I've been writing about this a lot, being more gentle with ourselves. Really feeling what is there. Not pushing it away, not getting angry at it and not ignoring it. Yet this is something that may be shared even once in such a practical situation as my 'going on holiday', no matter how vulnerable it feels. Because yes, I feel something about it, shame on me!
It would have been a nice ending, this last sentence. But feelings change quickly, I now notice that my anxiety is decreasing and my hunger for 'safe' things is increasing. My own little world is my safe haven, although I'm not taking any painting stuff with me this time (because yes, fun painting on canvas, but not really 'portable') I can also find safety in coming up with new illustrations or paintings. So you see, art can also have something comforting, both for the creator and (hopefully) for the viewer. In any case, I feel better now that I have picked the illustrations below, sort of 'comfort food for my soul'
*scroll on a little further to find out what it was like on holiday 😉
Nice! So now I'm back. We had a super nice time and I'm pretty sure because I came because I typed this blog, it made me talk about it, share my fears and be supported. And then it all went well! Better than expected even. And of course here's another nice picture:
Photo at the top of this article: Merette Kuijt
Illustrator under a blankie - Esther Bennink
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14 responses
I have exactly the same thing: no appetite for holidays, such a hassle all round. I'd rather stay at home. But my boyfriend doesn't like that, so we go anyway, but I don't really need to go for more than a week. Once I'm there, I like it.
A friend of mine has the same, so it's not that strange.
It is just not very socially acceptable to say this.
So mostly keep speaking out until everyone gets used to it.
How nice, that recognition!
Very recognisable. Nice to hear that I am not alone in struggling with this. In fact, I always find myself 'weird' too. How about no desire to go on holiday!
Glad to read that you still had a good time. I find that when I discuss my anxiety, it helps put it into perspective for me.
Oh yes, it really helps hey! Discussing feelings is also acknowledging and accepting yourself as you are (at that moment), but I still find it hard sometimes 😉
How super nice that recognition!
I always enjoy your newsletter and 'concoctions'! Super good that you dare to undertake in this way. Being yourself, with all that goes with it. Fine 💛
How nice to hear, it makes me smile here behind my keyboard, because it was always my greatest wish to just be myself and still 'participate', which turns out: there are many more people like me! Super cozy to connect like this!
I'm struggling with this " holiday thing" as well. Good to know, that I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing too, it's helping a lot to know that we're not alone in this!
Oh, I have that too!
Weekends away, holidays. These days I refer to it as 'getting stuck' but have also known and expressed anger.
These days, I find being away variable.
Many factors come into play to really enjoy it properly. As we speak, we are away this weekend and I do have more requirements on my list for the summer holidays.
I hope the wind subsides and there is some calm.
How nice that recognition! And how nice to just call it 'getting stuck for a while'!
Hi Esther, I think it's great that you're sharing all this and that you went anyway. I do recognise it, in the sense that when I look forward to going somewhere (which is often where there are more people together and I experience too much stimuli), I find that in hindsight it was fun, even though I often feel very tired.
Would also like to comment on your cards at this point. I understand your decision, but am glad I bought the beautiful wooden frame for this size of cards a while ago, because the cards are a gift for the recipient, but certainly also to frame beautifully myself, precisely because of the size. It is now a small painting and I enjoy the different cards I put in it, just like the beautiful magic lantern.
I understand your decision to choose this different format at the time because it is precisely not the standard you see everywhere.
Anyway, sometimes you have to make choices and the important thing is that you make the choice that feels best for you. After all, you can't please everyone! Have fun painting, I am very much looking forward to new works from you again!
Hey Sandra, how nice to recognise you! And yes, I always look forward to things, but it's often fun and if I figure it out, the fatigue is balanced with 'how fun it was' and a day of rest is fine. Thanks also for your understanding regarding the cards, it's not so much that it feels better for me, it's just something I'm bogged down on in terms of business due to ever-increasing printing costs. Too bad, but luckily I still have 'luxury cards' in the format!